When He Won’t Commit But Won’t Let Go – What To Do Now?:- That tells us that there is a bit of polarity of dynamics between the two of you happening right now.
On one hand, they have this lingering memory of what wasn’t working in the relationship, of what caused the two of you to break up in the first place of all the bad times:-
- All the arguing,
- The fighting,
- Whatever wasn’t working out.
But they won’t let go because they also have some sort of memory of some sort of positive experience between the two of you.
Maybe that’s a current memory. Maybe that’s things that the two of you are currently doing that feel good that are bringing the two of you closer together.
And so we have these two things pulling your ex in different directions. And so your ex sometimes wants to get warmer towards you because they remember the good times.
And sometimes they want to pull away from you because they still have their doubts, they still have their concerns, they still have their fears that things aren’t going to improve between the two of you if they were to warm up to you or if they were willing to get back together with you.
What We Have To Do? He Won’t Commit But Won’t Let Go
Well, we want to starve out the bad memories and we want to continue to nurture and strengthen the positive experiences that we’re having with our ex. So let’s get into this.
First of all, we need to starve out the negative experiences, the negative memories from the past. (You Are Reading:- He Won’t Commit But Won’t Let Go)
What Do We Do When We Want To Do That?
Well, first of all, we need to demonstrate to our ex that we are not the same person that they broke up with, and if they were to get back together with us, they are not walking back into the same relationship that they walked out of in the first place. So that means we need to look at what wasn’t working. What didn’t work in the relationship?
- Was it arguing?
- Was it a lack of vulnerability?
- Was it a lack of emotional availability?
- Was it being too insecure?
- Was it being too clean?
- Was it a lack of trust?
Whatever it might be, you need to take some time and focus on fixing that issue.
Take some time and focus on realigning yourself because it would be great if we could somehow control our ex and make them do the things that we want them to. but unfortunately, that’s not how life works.
You can only control yourself, you can only control the things that you do and the responses that you have in any given situation.
So we want to work on ourselves, we want to control ourselves so that we can adjust how we’re bringing ourselves to our ex, how we’re bringing ourselves to the situation, and show them that at least the part of the relationship that wasn’t working, that is our fault, that is our responsibility, has been worked on and has been changed.
You can do this in a lot of different ways, such as:-
- Active no contact.
- Passive no contact,
- Just stop talking to your ex
- Hope and pray for the best
So you can do that to help work through some of these issues. You can do that to do whatever you need to do to work through your own, personal issues.
Whether those be working through feelings of insecurity, whether those be working on feelings of anger, feelings of judgment, feelings of attachment to outcome, or whatever it may be.
That’s going to help you a lot when it comes to starving out those negative memories.
Another Thing That You May Need To Do At Some Point
You have to just draw a line in the sand and let your ex know, overtly, that, “Hey, things are different. Okay?”
Sometimes our exes can be a little bit dense, especially if our exes tend to be men, and although demonstrating change can be extremely helpful, sometimes just showing it may not get through.
And so you don’t always want to do this, but you may need to just overtly tell your ex, “Hey, I know that things were not so great in the past when we were arguing all the time.”
Let’s just go with that as an example.
“I think you can maybe tell that over the past few weeks that things have been better between the two of us, and I want you to know that’s because I’ve worked through my issues regarding anger, expecting other people to do things for me, or whatever the case may be.”
And you just may need to overtly let them know this. Okay? So that’s one side of this whole equation.
Now we have this other side of the equation too, which is about bringing up and nurturing the positive aspects of your interactions together.
Now it’s not just enough to eliminate the negative.
Just because you eliminate the negative, that’s going to help some people, that might be enough to get some people back together with their exes, but you want to nurture the positive because we all want things that feel good.
I know that there’s a lot of people on the internet that tell you that we all want what we can’t have.
It’s not that we want what we can’t have, we want what feels good.
Massages are plentiful and there is no shortage of massage therapists out there that will be willing to give you a massage. People still get them anyway because they feel good.
It’s not because there’s some sort of scarcity of massages and we can only give 10 massages today or anything like that. No, it’s because we all want what feels good.
Don’t think that scarcity alone is going to help you to get back with your ex.
Scarcity can be helpful if interacting with you feels good and if it is a clear benefit to them, but scarcity alone is not going to get the two of you back together.
It has to be something that feels good. So you need to nurture that aspect of your connection that feels good on an emotional level.
Now, if your ex is not willing to commit but not willing to let go, that means that there’s already the nugget of that positive interaction and that positive dynamic between the two of you.
We just really want to amp it up. Typically, when I work with people who are in a situation where their ex won’t commit but won’t let it go, they often have some positive interactions and some negative interactions.
So it’s like sometimes we take two steps forward and one step back, sometimes we take one step forward and two steps back.
And so what we want to do is we want to, number one, eliminate the negative, so eliminate the steps back that happen.
And then, number two, accentuate and elevate and nurture the positive side of this equation.
And what we do to do this is we focus on the emotional connection. I know that there are an immense number of things that you could be focusing on, such as
- Who is initiating contact with who,
- How long it takes somebody to reply to you,
- Whether or not somebody is flirting with you,
- Whether or not somebody is asking if you’re single or dating or anything like that,
But these are irrelevant in the big scheme of things.
What you want to focus on is whether or not the interactions between the two of you are bringing the two of you closer together or further apart.
If they’re bringing you closer together, that is the ideal outcome here. We want to continue to have outcomes and interactions that bring the two of you closer together on an emotional level.
What exactly are the components of this?
Advanced relational skills are a way to connect emotionally with someone else so that we can bring more of ourselves to the interaction and encourage the other person to bring more of themselves to the interaction as well too.
And the more of both of us that we bring to the interaction, the more we can connect on an emotional level, the more we can be vulnerable and honest with one another, and the more we can talk about significant things.
I don’t know if you’ve had the experience of trying to talk to your ex and it’s been, let’s just say a bit of a struggle.
You end up talking about just pointless surface level stuff like the weather or sports or coworkers or traffic or TV shows or just pointless stuff that never seems to lead anywhere.
Those sorts of interactions are not going to help take you anywhere. What you want to do is you want to be able to cut beneath the surface down to what we call the emotional level of connection because it is possible to connect with people on a surface level, but you know?
- What happens if you don’t like the same TV shows?
- What happens if you didn’t go to the same college?
- What happens if you don’t have the same life experiences?
Then it’s going to be a lot harder. But what we do have in common is our emotional experiences, and as long as we’re able to cut down through the surface, down to the emotional level, then that is going to be what brings us closer together.
And as soon as you can learn to start communicating at that emotional level, through things like the advanced relational skills, that is going to help you immensely.
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