How To Make An Avoidant Love You & Chase You:- Do you want to know the three secrets of how to navigate anxious-avoidant relationships or how to handle avoidant partners?
1: Know that you are future anticipation focused.
What that means is, you’re living in the future. And what happens is to live in the future, you have to fill in the blanks. So you’re not present with the man right in front of you, the signals he’s sending you. But you’re sort of like more married to his potential, who he is.
You have to stop future anticipating, and you have to learn to be here in the now. What I want you to imagine, visualize, it’s like this mustang.
This mustang is sort of like that inner girl inside of you, that just wants to have this deep connection so badly. So it just wants to run off.
What I want you to visualize, with your eyes closed, is as if you’re like pulling back this mustang, right? Like whoa, whoa, whoa, not so fast, let’s come on back.
Also imagining, when you’re future anticipate, it’s as if you’re just throwing a shadow against a wall. And so what happens to your nervous system, what happens to your unconscious, it knows it’s just a shadow. So what ends up happening is you get even more attached, you get even more anxious.
A part of you knows it is just a shadow, right? If you know tomorrow is Christmas, you don’t get attached to that, because you just suddenly know tomorrow’s Christmas.
You may get excited about it, but you don’t get attached to it, ’cause you know it’s gonna happen. If you know tomorrow is your birthday, you don’t get attached to it. Same story.
That’s why it’s so important, really brings, “Oh wow, okay, this is a shadow on the wall.” And what I want you to visualize again, I’m giving you a lot of visualization tools here, to bring that back into your body. As if you just, “Okay, I’m fully present “with this man right in front of me.“
2: Become More Familiar With How An Avoidant Works.
This is important. Because it has a lot to do with fully becoming more familiar with like how does the avoidant work. The avoidant communicates irregularly.
What does that mean for you to navigate this anxious, avoidant dynamic?
Well, part of it is learning to the source yourself. Because guess what? Remember, the future anticipation, that attachment, so that little girl will get attached to him calling, to him texting you, to even his promises he has made you.
You do always want it, never expected a miracle. You fill in the blank, right? I wanna marry you, you are the one. Whatever the case may be.
They’re thinking out loud, but they don’t know, they’re not telling you, they’re just trying on a possibility. They’re not saying, “This is what I’m gonna do.” But unfortunately, that anxious part inside of us looking for all the evidence.
We’re grasping it. “Oo, he just said this! “Oo, he just said that!” And so what we do is we take it as reality. And then another thing we’re gonna do, we overgeneralize it.
We’re not looking at, “Oh, he said that I’m the one “in this particular moment.” And he doesn’t normally say that. And normally he has a very inconsistent pattern of communicating.
But you just delete everything else around you, and you just stay focused on his word. This is something for you to practice and is focused on his actions. So don’t focus on his words, focus on his actions.
3: Know That He Is Scared Of Intimacy.
Sometimes I watch Temptation Island. I don’t know if you guys watch that, but we’re just watching the most recent season. I don’t know what season that was.
There’s this avoidant guy, right, who’s like, “Oh, I have in the bag, “I just give her some crumbs. “I don’t have to be much there for her, right, “like because I don’t have to.
“I don’t have to put that much effort into it. “So I don’t!” I mean, that’s kind of like if you can just get the cookies out of the jar without somebody catching us, we’ll try it again! We’ll try it again. And that’s how we act as well.
We try to get with as little as possible, or with as much as possible, depending on how you see it. But what happens is, she started finding a man who treasured her, and he started to break down.
Such was, of course, ultimately he wants intimacy too, but he is terrified of it. For him, intimacy feels much safer when it’s sort of at a distance. Because he’s afraid to be trapped, right? He’s afraid to be sort of caught and limited. And he’s really afraid to lose his control in the relationship.
One thing you can do, and this is like a little trick, I did that with my husband, when we did our vows, I said, “Well look, “I know that your highest value is freedom. “And guess what? “We’re gonna include that into our vows!” So I said, “With this ring, I set you free!”
What that meant to me is, we have different parts inside of ourselves. What happens is, with this promise, I told him that that part inside of him that wants to be free, I will be speaking to that. I will nurture that part.
I will support that part. So if he wants to go in the woods, which he’s gonna do in a moment, or if he wants to go away for a three-day recharge retreat, he calls it, I invite him to do that.
Not only do I invite him to do that, but sometimes I’m proactively really telling him, like, “I think it’s time. “I think it’s time you spent some time by yourself!” And so just really inviting your man to spend some time by himself, we’re opening him up more.
He will feel safer, he will feel more acknowledged, and guess what? In turn, he will give you more attention.
In summary, we talked about being aware of future anticipation, coming back into the present moment. Bringing that mustang back to yourself, bringing that shadow back to yourself.
Number two is paying attention to his actions. Not his words but his actions. And number three is integrating his need for freedom, and his fear to be trapped, into your relationship.